"Doki doki" means "nervous" in Japanese. This mimetic word is supposed to imitate the sound of a throbbing heart. I find "どきどき (doki doki)" to be not only insanely adorable, but also pretty relevant to my life right now... Generally, I feel like a toddler. Okay, more like a little, newborn, infant baby kitten that can't even open its eyes yet. Eeep!
Let me explain: I wake up every morning and get dressed. This always leads to frustration because I have to wear something that's professional but also comfortable enough to hold up on what might be a 30-minute bike ride through narrow, winding, bumpy, unpredictable Japanese country roads... Also, it might be typhooning outside. I go to a large building filled with pubescent kids, ripe with the special combination of teen angst and boredom that only middle-schoolers have. I must somehow convince them that I'm interesting... Oh, and this all has to be accomplished with a very thick, very tall, very apparent yet invisible wall in between us called a "language barrier."
I'm new to this country, I'm 22, I just graduated college and have never had a real job, I've only ever lived in America before, I've never been a teacher, and I can only speak English. All of this contributes to my seemingly constant feeling of ignorance, dependence, and insecurity.
It's so exhausting to be clueless about everything... To need help with not only figuring out "the Japanese way" of things but also simple everyday things like reading my mail, since I don't speak the language. The fact that Japanese culture is inherently very deep and strong yet so subtle doesn't make it any easier to learn!
But, I'm beginning to understand the necessity of the JET Program in Japan by experiencing this feeling. I'm so new and different and that creates the prime opportunity for cultural exchange. I have only scratched the surface as far as "the Japanese way" of things, but I can also teach people "the American way" as I continue to learn more about this country and myself.
Yes, it's frustrating at times... Of course. And I second-guess myself a lot at this point. I've already screwed up soooo many times!!! Things like being late because my alarm didn't go off, writing the wrong kanji on the board in front of a whole class when I'm put on the spot to show my Japanese ability, knocking over some bikes as I attempt to park mine, getting a dirty look when I don't finish my noodles, and just generally being a clueless gaijin (foreigner) have quickly become staples of my new life.
And I won't lie, I worry about these things... But I've gotten to the point where I've decided that I can't let them rule my mentality. My mistakes aren't what define me, my attitude about them is! And I've been trying my absolute hardest to just forget the blunders and pretend that everything is going perfectly. I have a smile on my face and I'm ready to try my best. In fact, I'll often take a deep breath when I'm feeling overwhelmed and think to myself "shouganai (it can't be helped)" and/or "gambarimasu (I'll try my best)." Sometimes I even justify certain things by remembering that part of my job is to show my students that it's okay to make mistakes. And at the end of the day, I'm a human just like everyone else. Of course I like to strive for perfection but looking at my situation from an outside point of view, I'm able to cut myself some slack. Time will keep on moving forward and, if I keep trying, the aforementioned mistakes will likely fade from everyone's memory because their idea of me will have been replaced by something more positive.
I thought I'd make this post a little more about my thoughts and emotions towards everything instead of the catalogue of events that I've done in the last 2 posts. It's because, as school starts back up again, I'm getting a feel for what my life will really be like here... My actual career of teaching Japanese children is now my main focus on a daily basis. It's a very demanding time and a lot of things are going on... I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions at once and I often don't know what to do. I tend to join in the group/be social although that has eaten up so much of my time and therefore led to a lack of sleep, microwave dinners, and a messy apartment. Even so, my choice to join in the community whether it be Japan's or JET's is always an unforgettable blast so I doubt I'll be turning down invitations anytime soon~
But another thing is - a lot of the initially mystifying things about Japan are fading away... Not "fading away," but just becoming more commonplace for me. I'm not in complete awe of the mountains and the sea and the clouds every time I leave my apartment anymore and when I see a giant koi fish or ramune ice cream, I don't squeal quite as loudly c: "I'm in Japan," still crosses my mind but not as frequently... And the tone of it has changed. It doesn't have that ring of shocking disbelief that it initially did... Now, it's more like a content statement: I'm in Japan. I'm here. I'm doing this, for real.
People often ask me, "Why did you come to Japan?" My answer is, "I watched anime when I was a child and when I got older, I became more fascinated with other aspects of Japan like the food, folklore, as well as some of the customs, music and fashion. In university, I took Japanese language courses and enjoyed them as well so I wanted to expand my knowledge of this culture further by coming here." A pretty good answer, right? And it's very true - that is why I came to Japan. But the more I am asked this question, the more hollow my answer feels.
Being here, even just for a month, I've realized something - Japan isn't anime... It's not the the kitsune folklore that I read on the Internet for years, delicious sushi, or even the Japanese language itself. It isn't Yu Yu Hakusho, it isn't fairy kei, it isn't Kyary Pamyu Pamyu... These things made up the gooey center of my love for Japan before I came here but are now nothing more than small, detachable, plastic appendages to a much more sentimental and special entity.
Like I said, my answer is true, but it has gotten me called an "otaku" a couple of times. Otaku means "obsessed" and is widely considered and insult in Japan... sort of the equivalent to "nerd" in America. This was of course said to me in jest but it still concerned me a little because I felt misunderstood... I don't view my intrigue with Japan as equivalent to a pimply teenager's obsession with sci-fi. I thought about this and had the epiphany that within the "anime, food, folklore, customs, music, fashion, language" answer lies my real answer... And it's something that I had never been fully in touch with before.
For as long as I can remember, I have been attracted to the things that Japanese anime, music, folklore, etc, all had in common: an ambiguous yet heartwarming core feeling of grace, hope, deeply-rooted culture, kindness, innocence, community, quirkiness, romance, and beauty. That's the best way I can describe it with words... But basically, Japanese things have just always naturally attracted me like a moth to a flame and it has never felt like a superficial, gimmicky, or transient interest. It feels more like a spark that turned into a fire which might never go out. Furthermore, I've realized that my fascination wasn't with a select group of Japanese things that I simply thought were "cool," it has always been more of an admiration for the people that created them... I fell in love with the minds of Japanese people a long time ago.
I could always sense the closely-knit community that is so polar opposite of America's individualistic nature. Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud to have been raised in America! I don't want to be Japanese, but I respect Japanese culture as something that has provided and simultaneously satiated an endless sense of curiosity within me. Something in the way the stories play out... Something in the details of the animation. The tastes and textures of the food, the distinct sound of a Japanese word. It's not something I can put my finger on, it's more of an essence and I can't help but want to go deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole that is Japanese culture. It's one of the few things that has never ceased to excite and inspire me, and will hopefully continue to do so for the rest of my life.
People have all different reasons for coming here, and this is my attempt at trying to explain mine. To be honest, it's really really hard to find any words that truly suffice. I become overwhelmed, emotional, and slightly frustrated (because I can't properly describe it) when I think about being here, in this country, on this program, with these people... What it means to me, I could never say. The moments when we're all together, laughing, connecting - it's not something I'm used to. It's like listening to all my favorite songs or eating my favorite foods, with all 5 senses at the same time. It's a magical, indescribable, and almost incomprehensible thing.
So, I'm beginning to understand myself and why I'm passionate about Japanese culture now. The word "culture" is almost too sterile for the context... Something like "spirit" might be a better fit. Being here and interacting with Japanese people, I think I must have somehow understood that they would be this way - so kind, hospitable, selfless, and warm. It's like everything is falling into place and the pieces of myself that have always enjoyed this country so much have finally found a meeting point. So my answer to "why I came to Japan" hasn't changed, but I definitely have. Hopefully someone, someday will ask me why I've stayed in Japan... And I can say with complete honesty that it's because I love the hearts of Japanese people ♡
Currently listening to:
"Inryoku"
by Perfume
 |
| "wakarimasen...?" (◎_◎;) |
Let me explain: I wake up every morning and get dressed. This always leads to frustration because I have to wear something that's professional but also comfortable enough to hold up on what might be a 30-minute bike ride through narrow, winding, bumpy, unpredictable Japanese country roads... Also, it might be typhooning outside. I go to a large building filled with pubescent kids, ripe with the special combination of teen angst and boredom that only middle-schoolers have. I must somehow convince them that I'm interesting... Oh, and this all has to be accomplished with a very thick, very tall, very apparent yet invisible wall in between us called a "language barrier."
I'm new to this country, I'm 22, I just graduated college and have never had a real job, I've only ever lived in America before, I've never been a teacher, and I can only speak English. All of this contributes to my seemingly constant feeling of ignorance, dependence, and insecurity.
It's so exhausting to be clueless about everything... To need help with not only figuring out "the Japanese way" of things but also simple everyday things like reading my mail, since I don't speak the language. The fact that Japanese culture is inherently very deep and strong yet so subtle doesn't make it any easier to learn!
But, I'm beginning to understand the necessity of the JET Program in Japan by experiencing this feeling. I'm so new and different and that creates the prime opportunity for cultural exchange. I have only scratched the surface as far as "the Japanese way" of things, but I can also teach people "the American way" as I continue to learn more about this country and myself.
Yes, it's frustrating at times... Of course. And I second-guess myself a lot at this point. I've already screwed up soooo many times!!! Things like being late because my alarm didn't go off, writing the wrong kanji on the board in front of a whole class when I'm put on the spot to show my Japanese ability, knocking over some bikes as I attempt to park mine, getting a dirty look when I don't finish my noodles, and just generally being a clueless gaijin (foreigner) have quickly become staples of my new life.
And I won't lie, I worry about these things... But I've gotten to the point where I've decided that I can't let them rule my mentality. My mistakes aren't what define me, my attitude about them is! And I've been trying my absolute hardest to just forget the blunders and pretend that everything is going perfectly. I have a smile on my face and I'm ready to try my best. In fact, I'll often take a deep breath when I'm feeling overwhelmed and think to myself "shouganai (it can't be helped)" and/or "gambarimasu (I'll try my best)." Sometimes I even justify certain things by remembering that part of my job is to show my students that it's okay to make mistakes. And at the end of the day, I'm a human just like everyone else. Of course I like to strive for perfection but looking at my situation from an outside point of view, I'm able to cut myself some slack. Time will keep on moving forward and, if I keep trying, the aforementioned mistakes will likely fade from everyone's memory because their idea of me will have been replaced by something more positive.
I thought I'd make this post a little more about my thoughts and emotions towards everything instead of the catalogue of events that I've done in the last 2 posts. It's because, as school starts back up again, I'm getting a feel for what my life will really be like here... My actual career of teaching Japanese children is now my main focus on a daily basis. It's a very demanding time and a lot of things are going on... I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions at once and I often don't know what to do. I tend to join in the group/be social although that has eaten up so much of my time and therefore led to a lack of sleep, microwave dinners, and a messy apartment. Even so, my choice to join in the community whether it be Japan's or JET's is always an unforgettable blast so I doubt I'll be turning down invitations anytime soon~
But another thing is - a lot of the initially mystifying things about Japan are fading away... Not "fading away," but just becoming more commonplace for me. I'm not in complete awe of the mountains and the sea and the clouds every time I leave my apartment anymore and when I see a giant koi fish or ramune ice cream, I don't squeal quite as loudly c: "I'm in Japan," still crosses my mind but not as frequently... And the tone of it has changed. It doesn't have that ring of shocking disbelief that it initially did... Now, it's more like a content statement: I'm in Japan. I'm here. I'm doing this, for real.
People often ask me, "Why did you come to Japan?" My answer is, "I watched anime when I was a child and when I got older, I became more fascinated with other aspects of Japan like the food, folklore, as well as some of the customs, music and fashion. In university, I took Japanese language courses and enjoyed them as well so I wanted to expand my knowledge of this culture further by coming here." A pretty good answer, right? And it's very true - that is why I came to Japan. But the more I am asked this question, the more hollow my answer feels.
Being here, even just for a month, I've realized something - Japan isn't anime... It's not the the kitsune folklore that I read on the Internet for years, delicious sushi, or even the Japanese language itself. It isn't Yu Yu Hakusho, it isn't fairy kei, it isn't Kyary Pamyu Pamyu... These things made up the gooey center of my love for Japan before I came here but are now nothing more than small, detachable, plastic appendages to a much more sentimental and special entity.
Like I said, my answer is true, but it has gotten me called an "otaku" a couple of times. Otaku means "obsessed" and is widely considered and insult in Japan... sort of the equivalent to "nerd" in America. This was of course said to me in jest but it still concerned me a little because I felt misunderstood... I don't view my intrigue with Japan as equivalent to a pimply teenager's obsession with sci-fi. I thought about this and had the epiphany that within the "anime, food, folklore, customs, music, fashion, language" answer lies my real answer... And it's something that I had never been fully in touch with before.
For as long as I can remember, I have been attracted to the things that Japanese anime, music, folklore, etc, all had in common: an ambiguous yet heartwarming core feeling of grace, hope, deeply-rooted culture, kindness, innocence, community, quirkiness, romance, and beauty. That's the best way I can describe it with words... But basically, Japanese things have just always naturally attracted me like a moth to a flame and it has never felt like a superficial, gimmicky, or transient interest. It feels more like a spark that turned into a fire which might never go out. Furthermore, I've realized that my fascination wasn't with a select group of Japanese things that I simply thought were "cool," it has always been more of an admiration for the people that created them... I fell in love with the minds of Japanese people a long time ago.
I could always sense the closely-knit community that is so polar opposite of America's individualistic nature. Don't get me wrong, I'm very proud to have been raised in America! I don't want to be Japanese, but I respect Japanese culture as something that has provided and simultaneously satiated an endless sense of curiosity within me. Something in the way the stories play out... Something in the details of the animation. The tastes and textures of the food, the distinct sound of a Japanese word. It's not something I can put my finger on, it's more of an essence and I can't help but want to go deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole that is Japanese culture. It's one of the few things that has never ceased to excite and inspire me, and will hopefully continue to do so for the rest of my life.
People have all different reasons for coming here, and this is my attempt at trying to explain mine. To be honest, it's really really hard to find any words that truly suffice. I become overwhelmed, emotional, and slightly frustrated (because I can't properly describe it) when I think about being here, in this country, on this program, with these people... What it means to me, I could never say. The moments when we're all together, laughing, connecting - it's not something I'm used to. It's like listening to all my favorite songs or eating my favorite foods, with all 5 senses at the same time. It's a magical, indescribable, and almost incomprehensible thing.
So, I'm beginning to understand myself and why I'm passionate about Japanese culture now. The word "culture" is almost too sterile for the context... Something like "spirit" might be a better fit. Being here and interacting with Japanese people, I think I must have somehow understood that they would be this way - so kind, hospitable, selfless, and warm. It's like everything is falling into place and the pieces of myself that have always enjoyed this country so much have finally found a meeting point. So my answer to "why I came to Japan" hasn't changed, but I definitely have. Hopefully someone, someday will ask me why I've stayed in Japan... And I can say with complete honesty that it's because I love the hearts of Japanese people ♡
Currently listening to:
"Inryoku"
by Perfume
Beautiful post, and I can relate to it very much so! Thank you for writing all of this. ☆ﾐ(o*･ω･)ﾉ
ReplyDeleteawe. this was such a joy to read. i just spent 20 days in japan and i definitely relate to much of what you are saying. although, i was there on vacation, not to teach children! i cannot imagine all the emotions you must be going through! i definitely admire your positive attitude. we stayed with our friend's parents for a while and i was in tears sometimes because i so much wanted to make a good impression but realizing that i have hardly a clue about their deeply rooted customs and gestures of respect... it was so frustrating. the language barrier can be difficult. thank goodness that japanese people are so kind, helpful, respectful, and understanding! when you refer to the hearts of the people...that is the first thing i mention when people ask me how it was in japan. although i knew a lot about japan before i went there, i never expected that i would fall so in love with the people there! eep, I want to go back. i wish you all the best!! have fun ^ _ ^
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazing post!! c: You are so lucky that you get to live in Japan; it's my dream to go there ;u; but I can see how it might now be what is expected which makes me a little sad.. :( It's important that you stay positive of course!! Maybe Japan will seem to change for the better for you!
ReplyDelete-kiyomi xx
so cute... ;)
ReplyDelete